Listen Up, Nerds 34: Hardcore Is Dead – Now What?

It’s done. Hardcore is over. It was a good run, but our favorite subgenre now has a Weekly Roundup on Barstool Sports. Do you know what that means? Listen Up, Nerds, the subgenre’s favorite newsletter, has to compete with Barstool Sports. Usually, I’d declare war. I tend to hold my ground for much longer than I ever should. I defended ska records from as late as 2007 on the internet for most of my college career. I do not cut my losses. I’ve never once quit while I’m ahead.

Until today. That’s right. I am willing to pack my stuff up and go home. At least, I’m willing to do this until hardcore is no longer the flavor of the week. I’m sure there’s always going to be bros in hardcore, but as the popularity level of hardcore reaches near-Warped Tour levels, we’re seeing an influx. Back in the day, you could hand these guys an Atreyu or Every Time I Die record and they’d stay out of the pit at cooler shows. Now, Barstool Sports has a WEEKLY ROUNDUP FOR HARDCORE. THEY STOLE MY WHOLE FLOW: WORD FOR WORD, BAR FOR BAR. I’m sick over here. The de-punkification of hardcore, as friend of the newsletter Michemical Imperioli put it, may have been inevitable, but this feels different. It’s time for me to abandon the whole association with hardcore while I still can.

Perhaps you’re in the same boat, but you’re lost. “Jay,” you say with tears in your eyes, “what will I do without my COMMUNITY? What will I do without MERCH???” Fear not, my friend. The Listen Up, Nerds Newsletter is here to hold your hand and guide you into other subcultures you may enjoy. What follows is a list of subcultures, what you may find appealing, their drawbacks, and how to join.

RAVER:

What you’ll like: Raving is truly a youth subculture! Sure, it’s got some of the same drawbacks that hardcore does in terms of old people thinking that the kids are doing it wrong, but there’s really no wrong way to dance with your friends until the wee hours of the morning.

What you’ll hate: The wee hours of the morning. They say that nothing good happens after 2 AM or 4 AM or one of those times, depending on your city’s local statutes. If you’re over 30, approach with caution: it’s gonna be hell on your lower back if you can’t find a wall to lean up against.

How to join: Follow a group of obnoxiously-dressed 20-somethings around one night, from a safe distance. If they freak out and press you about what you’re doing, just say you’re following them to the rave. This aplomb will be met with understanding nods and they’ll take you there. Have fun!

THE ART WORLD:

What you’ll like: If you’re into hardcore for some sense of superiority over people who “just don’t get it,” then this is the subculture for you! Keep in mind, you don’t have to have an opinion on any of the art you see. You can blow the doors off of any art major or classically-trained artist by saying something like, “The subtle intricacies that [ARTIST] brings to this exhibit... it’s really something.” OR if they ask what you think of something, you can say, “I don’t know, I need some time to really digest it. What do YOU think of it?” Asking artists and art critics what they think is a surefire way to get out of doing any work in the conversation.

What you’ll hate: These guys suck to hang out with. They’re standoffish to new interlopers and everyone’s skeptical of each other. Again: It’s for cool guys. You gotta be cool to hold your own in this world, and your old Title Fight records hold no cachet here.

How to join: Show up to a few gallery openings and stare at the art with your hands behind your back, observing. Wear something minimal and chic or shred a Cro-Mags tee to bits and play up all of your bad tattoos. After a few shows, walk up to someone you recognize from the other shows and say something like, “You were at (X)’s show in Chelsea last week. I love your style. Charmed to meet you.” and now you’re off. Have fun summering in The Hamptons!

HARSH NOISE:

What you’ll love: So you got into hardcore because you like aggressive music and nobody understands you. Perfect. Welcome to the club. The nice thing about Harsh Noise is that you can still wear all of the merch you own, provided it’s black or white. You’ll need to trade the Air Maxes for some combat boots but we can make it work. Regardless, you get to brood and talk shop with guys who have regrettable tattoos for all sorts of different reasons now. You’re in the big leagues of weirdos now.

What you’ll hate: Probably all of the Nazis. And the music.

How to join: Make a 45min mix of various tool noise clippings from YouTube and put it over a sample from a LiveLeak video of a car wreck. Put it on bandcamp and put your city in the tags. Some guy who lives in your town runs a small tape label and wants to press 12 copies of it onto a cassette. You’re in the scene now.

POWERLIFTING:

What you’ll love: Maybe you dabbled in this before but now it’s time to really do the damn thing. You don’t have to give up the music or the merch, but it’s time to give up the scene and join the powerlifting gym down the block. You’re on a strict training regimen and you need to wake up early. You even have a cool excuse to skip shows: You’re an ATHLETE.

What you’ll hate: This is going to take work and discipline and if I know hardcore guys, they don’t have much of that going on. Myself included. This is gonna be a tough one but you’ll make it out the other side buff as hell. Absolutely worth leaving the scene behind.

How to join: Cut all of your merch into crop-tops or tanktops. You’ve got no excuse to not get buff. Good luck.

So that does it. That’s my list of the four best subcultures you could get into now that hardcore is dead. Personally, I’m not committing to any of these just yet. I don’t have to. I quit the scene to become a full-time NBA fan and nothing in my life has been better. Go Nuggs. I’ll see you on Friday.